Managing Expectations
"The ironic reality of low expectations is that if you expect to be disappointed, you’ll never be."
Preface: There’s a lot to unpack in this piece, and I hope it makes some sense to you. I’ve been thinking about it for some time, and finally sat down and put it into words. I hope I didn’t let it marinate too long. As always, I welcome comments and discussion.
About five years ago, in celebration of our 40th anniversary, my wife, Chris, and I travelled to Europe for a riverboat cruise. While we were touring one of the cities along the Rhine in Germany, in a pensive moment, Chris asked me what I thought the secret to our long marriage was. I thought for a few seconds, and mustered the least serious response I could. “Low expectations,” I replied. We both laughed, but then we thought about the inherent truth in that statement. In our 40+ years together, we had learned that though we each have faults, we have adapted well to each other. I’ve since given a lot of thought to the subject of expectations, and how they shape our relationships: personally, politically, and societally.
The Gestalt prayer, by Fritz Perls, summarizes a view of expectations:
“I do my thing and you do your thing.
I am not in this world to live up to your expectations,
And you are not in this world to live up to mine.
You are you, and I am I,
and if by chance we find each other, it's beautiful.
If not, it can't be helped.”
— Fritz Perls, "Gestalt Therapy Verbatim", 1969
The last line may seem a bit harsh and defeatist, but looked at another way, it’s a not-so-subtle message that lowering or balancing expectations can help people to find common ground, if that is what is desired. While it was written as a personal growth message, it can be interpreted more broadly.
Expectations derive from a combination of our individual or collective character, representations, and commitments, as well as the hopes, wishes, and objectives of the expectant(s). Unreasonable expectations usually fall into the latter category. Unequal expectations result when the former category is measured against those features of people at the higher and lower ends of the spectra. Disingenuous expectations occur when people use either category to provoke certain responses or sabotage someone else’s efforts.
Unequal expectations are a mainstay of the political landscape. Everyone expects President Biden to be empathetic, decent, and upstanding. Everyone expects his predecessor to be narcissistic, unseemly, and dishonest (even while denying it). It’s clear whose expectation threshold is easiest to meet. Somehow a false equivalency manifests in those distinctly disparate descriptions, and President Biden, when he falls short is castigated, while the Defendant, who can never fall short is reinforced. The news media, whose primary interest is in generating revenues thru its readership, focuses on those unequal shortcomings, and even though President Biden has accomplished a tremendous amount for the American people, his missteps or oversteps are magnified. Conversely, the Defendant’s few accomplishments for the American people are the exception to what is expected, and are thus magnified.
In corporate environments over the past several decades, expectations played a dual role as performance was measured against objectives (Management By Objectives). I was not a fan of the process, as it was tedious, and largely meaningless. The reason was that unless people in the same position with the same degree of independence and opportunity were measured against each other, the inequality of their objectives and the commensurate incentives attached to them made them fundamentally unfair. In companies where I was the only one performing the type of work I did, my objectives were difficult to compare with others, or to assign a fair value. In order for the objectives to meet the criteria of Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Time-based (SMART), they often had to be more SMART for me than others whose jobs were well understood. Thus, the expectations on both sides were unequal at the outset, and the incentives were often disproportionate. Similar to the expectation gap between President Biden and the Defendant, disparate performance is not fairly judged.
In global politics, expectations are central to the manner in which countries and peoples interact. We expect dictators, religious leaders, monarchs, presidents, and others (e.g., Democrats and Republicans) to behave in certain ways, some good and some bad. Our expectations are tempered not by what is desired or what is right, but by what their positions or persona predict. Sometimes those expectations are used disingenuously by adversaries to provoke conflict or upset the expectational balance. Two prime examples are Putin’s invasion of Ukraine and Hamas’s attacks on Israel. Though the final outcome is uncertain, it appears that Putin’s expectations of Ukraine’s capitulation and the West’s inability to coalesce were not realized. On the other hand, it’s seeming more likely that Hamas’s expectations that Netanyahu would retaliate in such a way as to alienate his own people and his allies, while they falsely equate his reactions to their own initiating action, may be achieving their objectives.
Furthermore, in judging the performance of leaders, we often evaluate them more on their personae than their positions. As noted above in the contrast between how President Biden and the Defendant are viewed, the focus is much more on each man’s persona than on what we expect from the position. Therein lies a significant problem. We should declare our expectations of a President, Congressperson, or Supreme Court Justice, and measure them against that, instead of the bars they lower for themselves to clear.
The ironic reality of low expectations is that if you expect to be disappointed, you’ll never be. That’s not to say that we should strive for low expectations, because we’ll likely never achieve much of consequence. However, we should temper our expectations and apply them more equally and genuinely. We should also nurture them with our hopes and wishes. Finally, when someone fails to meet our expectations, or fails to respond in the way we expect, we need to be honest about who is responsible.
Managing expectations is not easy, especially when mismanaging them is sometimes the goal. It is important to understand the role expectations play in our relationships, examine our motives in setting them, and exercise our better judgment in balancing them. Our relationships, politics, and global security hang in that delicate balance.
I finally read this tonight, and I think it’s fascinating how you connect expectations in relationships to political expectations.
I really loved this! Thank you!